Girl Talk: Deal Breakers

   

 When it comes to choosing a mate, we generally have a list. My list changed over the years, like when I was 16, my list included cute, someone who likes to kiss and hold hands, hell someone gay and not straight! lol Two years later at 18, my list got longer, sexy, no kids, clean cut, big dick, thugged out, nice hands, etc. Then at 21, it was tall (at least 6'2), light skin, chubby, high sex drive, big dick, sexy as hell, own car, own place, A JOB, have some goals, do more than smoke and sell weed, masculine with a touch of feminine...somebody to put a ring on it(I'm just say), etc.
     I say all that to say, we all have our lists, as well as our deal breakers. Essentially most women (and the occasional gay man) require 4 things from men: Money, Good Looks, Great Sex, and to be faithful. Now I know what ya'll thinking, there is WAY more than 4, but I think these are 4 of the most important, lol. So my question ladies and gentlemen...what is your deal breaker?
     What about that ching-ching-ching? What about that bling-bling-bling? Let's say you're dating a guy and he is fine as HELL! I'm talking STEAMING chocolate, HOT caramel or SEXY vanilla. This man is so drop dead gorgeous you're just like DAMN!! And on top of that, his sex is BANGING! I'm talking thigh tinglin', leg shakin', lip bitin', BANGING! And he's faithful to boot. He only has eyes for you faithful. But...no green...no no, not marijuana...no peso, cash money=zero. No job...not even unemployment or a financial aid check! Could you deal? I mean sure he's looking...well HOPEFULLY he's looking. But he can't support you or himself. I guess for me it depends on how long ya'll been together? If ya'll live together? etc. If it's too early in the relationship, I think I'd get tired of having to pay for everything. By him being sex, good sex and faithful, he'd probably wouldn't make it pass fuck friend status. Just keeping it real. But if we've been together for some years, then I could be more lenient, but he can't be on no lazy type shit. I need a man who's gonna grind with me, not stay a home playing video games and smoking weed all day, HELL NO!! But if you're married...that damn for richer or poor got you stuck!
     Let's talk about sex baby! Let's talk about you and me! OK, so you're with a guy, his financial situation is pretty good, he's stable. Although you're independent and can provide for yourself, if you need him, he got you! Rent paid, JEA, tank on full, MK bag, whatever! And to add to that, body AND face on FLEEK! I'm talking Idris, Shemar or Channing on fleek! And he's so faithful he's only committed to you. BUT in the words of TLC...Sex ain't worth a damn! I mean, head game pitiful, small dick and can't feel it or hell, big dick and can't work it! I mean this fella can't even get the 4 Play right! Could you deal? They say sex ain't everything and there are some who say, it's overrated and don't enjoy it....But for ME, that is a deal breaker! I know some of ya'll are saying, oh that can be fixed! ....hmmmmm....and if it doesn't improve then what? EXACTLY! But I guess you can be cool with 3/4 and invest in Bedroom Kandi :/
     You're nothing but a liar, cheater, deceiver, heartbreaker...So you've been in this relationship for a little bit. You think you've got the man of your dreams. He puts it down in the bedroom, I'm talking Dive In, Neighbors Know My Name, making love faces put it down! Wait...I got one better, I'm talking Half on a baby, 12 Play, Seems like you're ready PUT IT DOWN! And...he's so damn fine, you 'round here singing 'When I See U', I'm talking so fine, you don't even bring him around your girls. Plus he has a successful career, I'm talking 6 figure annual, very well put together fella, but...he's also put together for her, the hoe at his job, the thot at the gym, the slut down the street, your trifling cousin on ya daddy side and hell maybe even your new gay best friend from work! This fool can't be faithful to save his damn live. Can you deal? Do you like to share? Hell, I know I don't! This is DEFINITELY a deal breaker for me! I won't be a notch on a belt for no man! It's not just about the cheating, loyalty and trust falls under this one ya'll! So if you can't trust him, what's the point?
     Sorry bruh, I'm a have to pass....So you're dating this guy, he's super faithful, he's not even tempted by anyone else. This guy tells you you're the only one and he could see himself settling down with you, for real, for real. Ya'll could have a great future, very well established, got his own place, real nice car, Master Degree, so you know that bank account is nice, and you let him have a slice of the pie a few times. And boy oh boy, this man is a FREAK! I'm talking kisses down low, sex on the ceiling, drunk in love, 50 shades of grey FREAKY!!! And you love it, he makes you feel passion in ways no other man has. BUT...that face though... I'm talking...let's just have sex in the dark boo. Oh meet INSIDE the movie theater boo, let's not go out to eat, let's just order in boo. How can you spend forever with someone that you are just not attracted to? Now granted, attraction can come from other things, but you can barely look him in the face! Can you deal? Or he just has the nastiest, cockiest, over arrogant, talks condescending to others, just a real bad attitude, I'm talking he's just not really a good person. His insides are so UgLy, it makes his face hideous! Now tell me can you deal with THAT? I could probably deal with...not so attractive, if he has a good heart, can put it down, got money AND he's faithful and wants to put a ring on it!!! I think I could find attraction elsewhere....I think...I'm just saying.
    So you see ladies and gentlemen, we all have lists, but each attribute that is missing is a lot to think about...now if he's missing more than ONE!!!! Ooh chile, hell no, now that's a completely different conversation, I don't even know if you'll be considered, I mean I'm just keeping it 100 with ya'll for real!

Sky Blue...The Poem

I often wonder when my life really began...

Was it the day I first touched my mother's hand?

Or maybe the day I realized I was gay?

Bullied, tormented, ridiculed

No way

I can't tell you the many days and nights I've cried

Over heartbreak, and lies, especially when my dads died

Those little fragments make up of me

And still I feel determined to share with you, for the world to see

The day I realized my passion

Was derived from pain

Some days I felt like I'd go insane

But when did my life begin?

The day I truly loved and found strength from within?

Maybe

I won't stop dreaming

I could fill a wall with my dreams

So big, so wide

They'll never hide

Never stop

But my one true dream is of love

Unconditional, unwavering, irrational

Do you know of these things?

Found someone to share in my dream

Someone to smile as the sky is blue

My dreams came true

The day I said I do

Sky Blue In love with you

My life began...

The day you touched my hand

Sky Blue wrapped up in you

Warm yet cool

Intense and refreshed

Free as can be

Through the pain, God saw me through

To end up, Sky Blue in love with you

Chapter 1: Who I Am

                                           Chapter 1: Who I Am 

 

 

            It’s been a year and a half since the incident at the library and as much as I tried to, I often reminisce about that and I remember every detail lucidly. I desperately wish I could take it all back, wishing I hadn’t let curiosity take over me, but I did. And regrettably enough I haven’t been back to that library since. I can still remember looking into my lust filled eyes in that restroom mirror, with all those thoughts running through my head, as my ex-friend, went to town from behind me. I shake myself out of the uncomfortable thoughts and I cringe yet again, I guess I’m not ready to face those demons yet. 

            I’m standing here in my own bathroom now, staring at my reflection, trying to remind myself who I am. Who am I you ask? My name is Alexander Johnson, I came rushing into this world as proud Eighties baby on February 7^th of 1988. I’m now 14 years of age, dark chocolate skin, standing about five foot five. I have beautiful jet black curly hair that compliments my round face and chubby cheeks. I’ve always been on the heavy side, but I try as often as I can to avoid my stomach. In my mind I’m a skinny guy trapped in a fat suit. I’ve lived here in Jacksonville, Florida all my life and I currently reside on the North side of Jacksonville with my mother and father. Life is good; they look at me and see their ninth grade, A-B student with the 3.5 Grade Point Average, who loves school, his friends and life. Their son who has no care in the world. They have no idea of the darkness boiling beneath the surface.

But most importantly, I’m straight. I do not like men, I’m straight. I have a girlfriend, her name is Serena, we’ve been dating for about 4 months now and I adore her. I was always used to dating white girls, but seeing my brothers date, ‘full size’ women over the years, I took my shot at it, and even though most would say she’s full times 3, I don’t care, that’s my girl.

            “Alexander, I hope you’re ready for school and not in there playing with yourself!” my mother yelled.

            God that’s embarrassing, so I respectfully replied, “Yes, I’m just brushing my hair!”

            I look down at my tucked in, button down shirt, which leaves my stomach hanging over my belt; I exhale deeply, ready as I’ll ever be.

 

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As the sun begins to peak over the clouds and turn the darkened skin a bright orange, I’m sitting here in my own world on the bus on the way to school. I’m sitting across from my new friend, Terry. A couple of months ago I had noticed Terry Young while being bored in my own world; he’s quiet, stays to himself and loves music, just like me. After a week of discreet stalking and staring, I made it my business to start a conversation with him. Somehow he intrigued me; it was something about him that spoke to my spirit saying, we were meant to be friends. He’s about 5’8, a little thick around the middle, but not fat, brown skin, light brown eyes, and so far he’s kept his hair low cut. He sometimes seems a bit unsure of himself, but something in his eyes is deep and expressive and it lets me know there is more to him.

            When he joined my math class this semester after winter break, I had open opportunity to start up a conversation. So with the obvious approach of “Did you get the notes in class yesterday?” The rest was history.  I wonder did he feel it too. Hmmm…before I can dwell on the thought I arrived at school.               

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            By second period, I find myself in one of the subjects I absolutely hate; gym. But my new friend Mya makes it tolerable. Throughout the entire period all we do is talk and sing. She’s the girl version of me, and we have so much in common. She has to be the prettiest black girl I’ve ever seen. Shoulder length straight black hair, that complimented her oval like face, with her brown eyes and perfectly drawn eye brows, and full lips, WOW, she’s so…pulchritudinous.

            But I know she’s unattainable. So I’m grateful for her friendship. We literally write letters to each other all day long, on average we write about 4-5 letters a day.

            And today we’ll have a lot to write about, because I’m going to confront Kenyetta; whom we call Kenya for short, she is this overly corpulent girl that told Serena I’m cheating on her with Mya. This ridiculous accusation is completely false, because like I said she’s out of my league.

            “Hey Kenya, can I talk to you a sec?” I asked her.

            “Well Alex, I really don’t have anything to say to you, it’s your word against mine,” she said.

            “But your “word” is not true Kenya, you’re starting drama where there is none” I said, trying to conceal my anger.

            It really pisses me off that she’s disturbing my relationship. I really care about Serena and would never cheat on her.

            “I’m only going off what I see, so, if you could, like go away, I’m trying to read” she said holding the book up to her face, like I wasn’t there.

            I am enraged, it’s as if she hung up or spit in my face. Both of which are disgusting gestures in my book.

            I take a glance back at Mya and I can tell by the stunned look on her face that we’re thinking the same thing. So I reach pass her gothic novel and with a loud “Yoink” sound. I make a hard yet fast tug for her wig and I throw it on the floor to reveal her short damaged hair. Everyone around erupted in laughter, as do I.

            “That is so not funny” she said, snatching her wig off the floor and running to the restroom.

            I can hear her heavy footsteps running in the distance.

            Ha! That’ll teach her to cross me again! Feeling pleased with myself, I continue to laugh as I rejoin Mya to talk about what just happened. I know it won’t fix the suspicion between Serena and I, but it still makes me feel slightly better. I doubt she’ll be causing anymore problems here.

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            Later on the bus, I’m still tickled by the wig expedition, I tell Terry what happened. He doesn’t believe me at first, but then he too joins in on my laughing parade.

            The bus comes to a complete jerking stop and so does my laughter when this guy sits next to me; our afternoon bus is a transfer bus for the students at Paxon High. Which mean, it picks us up from Frank Peterson Academy and then picks up the Paxon student and then goes on to the afternoon route.  With my immediate distraction, Terry turns around and I’m left alone to ponder in my thoughts. I once overheard someone call out his name; Jarek. So unique and sexy, just like his eyes. My stomach turned in knots; I’ve been looking at Jarek for weeks now and I’m thrilled each time he sits next to me.

            I try my best to hold on to my straight mentality, but it is non-existent when he’s around. He has the most clear caramel brown skin, a short neatly kept fro, which fits his face perfectly. I know I’m straight and above all not single, but if both of those were the opposite, he’s the only guy I’d consider dating, strangely enough I think I’m infatuated.

            The whole bus ride, I secretly wish to myself that his hand will slip and touch mine. My heart begins to race faster at the thought of how soft his hands are. I know I have to stop staring, but he’s so…beautiful. I can just imagine myself running my hands down his… I’m quickly brought back to reality as the bus came to a sudden stop and he gets up to get off the bus. As he walks towards the bus exit, I wish for him to look back at me, maybe somehow let me know he thinks about me too. Disappointingly, but not surprising, he does not, and once again I’m alone with my thoughts. Terry has already gotten off as well, I didn’t even notice. So now I’m just sitting here in my seat, looking out the window and I force a daydream about Jarek. I try so hard to picture what it would be like to date him, kiss him, and hold him in my arms, but my mind won’t let the thoughts fester. As much as I consider fighting my own resistance, I know it’s the right thing to do; I have to just let these thoughts go.  I can’t wait to get home and off this temptation wagon.

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            Later that night, I found myself completely captivated in the thoughts of Jarek. Alone in my room, I finally let my mind indulge in the concept of something more with him. I begin to fantasize about him putting his strong arms around me, squeezing me so tight that the warmth from his body feels like my own. I can hardly catch my breathe as he starts kissing my neck and in a soft sweet whisper, telling me how sexy I am, while simultaneously feeling the big bulge from his crotch teasing my ass. I exhale and feel my heart hammering in my chest. I can smell his cologne, breezing pass my nose and I close my eyes, to take it all in. And in that moment, the excitement rushed over me as I got aroused. I open my eyes to see Serena’s disapproving face. The judgment in her eyes compels me to shake myself from the caramel fantasy and I get up to walk to the restroom, I’m once again face to face with my reflection. I feel like there are two sides of myself playing tug-a-war. One side that has to stay in line with what everyone expects me to be, and the other side dying to be free and explore what I’ve been yearning for.

            I observe myself closely, looking into my lost brown eyes, refusing to say the words that have been plaguing me for so long. And with a single tear rippling down my cheek, I say out loud, “I am…not gay”.

Looking closely at myself, like I’m looking into my own soul, I start to feel consumed with anxiety. I’m hoping it’ll be easier to confess what I really want to say, but it’s not. But the words slip from my lips anyway. “I am… Bi-sexual” I say to the reflection, quietly enough so only I can hear it. And then I quickly turn away, not wanting to look at myself anymore, because I no longer like what I see.

Run Its Course Pt.2 (What About Your Friends)

Ok...so I realized that I'm a person that sets out to inspire people and stand for something. I do not regret the original blog I wrote, but I had to realize it is not my style. Just because someone does something to you, doesn't mean you let yourself get out of character and lash out. So I'm gonna say what I intended to say...Friends come and go. Some are there for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It's up to us to be able to tell the difference. I'm the type of person who loves hard. When you're my friend, you're my friend, and I go hard for my friends. But that hasn't always been returned. So with that being said, you have to be grateful for the ones who are still in your life AND grateful for the ones who aren't. Life doesn't stop and the world doesn't end. If a friendship is worth saving then save it, if not move on...I just know what I want for my friendships and that's the ability to be honest and to be there like a friend should. Now THAT'S me keeping it 100....

Passion

The time is 1:01 AM and as usual I'm up when I should be sleep. My husband gave me a great idea for a blog entry and now that I've thought it over, I know exactly what I want to say....or ask...Do you know what your passion is?
Ever since I was at the tender age of 13 I found an escape through written words. I would write poetry and short stories. The thought of writing anything more scared me. But as the years rolled by, I became infatuated with writing. It is the best way for me to express myself. Because I feel like I have no boundaries, nothing to be afraid of. My writing allows me to be fearless. Which is why I want to be a writer, I'm in college studying to get a degree in Communications so I can study Journalism. Writing is my life, I wouldn't be me without. Some people unfortunately never find their passion. They search and search and some remain lost. Passion to me isn't what everyone else wants your to do, or what they label you as. It is your expression. It's something that you believe in so hard to your core that it gives you that tingle inside just thinking about. It's that point in a conversation that makes you light up and you can just talk about it all day.
Where does your passion come from?
After talking with my husband and analyzing people over the years, I realize, what makes your passion so strong, is that a lot of times it comes from pain. A moment in your life that was a turning point and sparked something in you that you'll remember forever. My passion for writing derived from pain. I was bullied everyday in middle school, all 3 years. When I finally got to high school I was so emotional scared I had no other way to express myself. So one day I put pen to paper and I haven't stopped since. I find it so easy to pull inspiration from a hurtful time in my life. Writing songs, poems, books, even this blog, sometimes takes me to a dark place to bring out my best art. For example my best friend is an amazing artist. I mean this girl can draw ANYTHING, I don't even think she knows her full capability. She drew sketches all through high school. Turns out she was in a very bad relationship throughout high school and her outlet was drawing. Once you left the bad situation behind, she no longer had a need to draw. But for me writing is more than an outlet, it is who I am. I have learned to draw inspiration from ALL emotions and pour it into my writing. That's what I call passion.
It's a shame that some people let negative nay-sayers tell you what you can or should be doing. Fuck them!! They do not know your heart. They do not know your drive and what drives your passion. It is easy for someone on the outside of our lives to judge and try and tear down or limit someone's passion. But what they don't realize is, what God has for you, is for you. No matter what limitations, obstacles, hurdles, none of that crap matters when God has something for you. Follow your passion and do what makes you happy. Life is to short to live otherwise. It's not about proving the nay-sayers wrong, it about following your heart and reaching your full potential. Haters will always hate and those who lack passion will try to deter....know yourself, find your passion, live your passion.

FOOLISH/UNFOOLISH

Naturally, Ashanti's song is playing in my head while I'm writing this, but this is indeed real life shit. Over the years I have had beautiful friends who choose to be with this..."unworthy" men and let them play tug-a-war with their hearts and minds. I'm not judging because I too went through the same thing. I dated a man who I thought I was gonna be with, I thought he was everything I wanted. But the relationship was completely unhealthy, not just for me, but him as well. I took the bullshit he was feeding me because I didn't love myself. I thought that was it for me, well...as most of you know I'm married to my King now, so we all know how that story played out. But anyway, I can relate. I have a friend who's been dating this guy for "X" amount of years, the entire relationship has been like riding a roller-coaster in a thunder storm. After so many bad altercations she has decided to take this man back, saying she wants to get married and such. And don't get me wrong I wish the best for my friend, but when is enough, enough. Not just her, for anyone who is in these bad relationships. I don't feel it's my business to tell her to leave, because that's how I felt when I was in my bad situation. Why do we let these men make us feel low? Why do we let them take us through shit and make us worry, can I trust him? Is he cheating? Will this time be the last time? Will he change? Will he hit me again? Take control of your life and really sit and think. But love, emotion and the current situation aside. Look at things as a whole and ask yourself, is it really worth it? I know that is easier said than done, trust me. Although I'm a man, I'm just like you. And just like you, I had a breaking point. A point of no return when I decided, I can't do this. And hunny when you find that strength to leave and never come back....that is when you truly realize your strength. And for the ladies who have children, I don't wanna hear, Oh but he's my baby's father, you don't understand, I don't want my child to grow up without both his/her parents. No, you shouldn't want your child to grow up seeing you in a damaging situation. Show your child(ren) your strength so they can know their worth and what's acceptable. I'm done preaching...keep it 100 with yourself  and love yourself.

The Men in my Life

It's 1:22 in the morning and my mind is racing. There are 3 (4 including God) important men in my life. The first is my husband. This has been a hard week for me and still he tell me he loves me everyday. Last night he encouraged me to follow my dreams and never give up on them. That they are important to him and he wants me to do what I'm passionate about. He is the only one who realized my full potential and reminds me of it often. He reminded me of some things that allowed me to express myself creatively, and I want to reconnect with that part of myself. My marriage is so important to me, because I can't see my life with my husband. He is such a wonderful man. He stimulates me to grow and prosper not just for him, or us, but for myself. He has my back and I his. That is why, it is very insulting when someone discredits our union. I do understand not everyone is "comfortable" or "okay" with "GAY MARRIAGE" But I'm sorry, GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!! He is here to stay, we have been through hell and back in the last 6 years and our love and triumphs are not only inspirational but testaments to what love is really about. I'm so sick of when someone introduces us, they are afraid to say, this is his HUSBAND! Yes, he is my husband! The one who stands by me when all else fail me. The one who comforts me when I'm sad or disappointed. The one who makes me a better person than who I used to be. The one who encourages me to pray and trust God and my faith. So what he's not a female, but if he does all that for me and I AM HAPPY, then I think it is worth it to get over yourselves and respect our union as we respect anyone elses. My stepdad passed away on Monday and in the program, my sister had the nerve to leave his name out. She made sure everyone else's spouses were included, but my mother corrected her. How dare you? The man who loves your child like his own niece. These "so-called" christians, need to read their own bibles and look up respect. Because you may not like my MARRIAGE, but you will RESPECT IT!!
    My dad died when I was 15. I was a teenager thinking I'd have both of my parents forever. I was proven wrong and was devastated when God called him home. I thought no one could fill his place in my life. But then my mom remarried her first husband. At first we got along great! I was excited to have a stepdad. But our relationship (like any other) had ALOT of ups and downs. And truthfully I often questioned whether he loved me like I was HIS son. And I always got so upset because I wanted him too. All I wanted was to love him like I loved my dad. And he reassured me, that he did. I didn't realize how much he meant to me until I lost him on Monday. My second dad, gone. I was devastated again. I worried throughout this week whether his kids would look at me as the "Stepbrother" and that I had no right to have input or whatever. And I don't care. He loved me like I was his own, so that is why was important to remove the title "stepson" from the program. He never called me his "Stepson". I will miss both of my dads dearly and will continue to make them both proud of me. Neither of them took any shit. lol The said whatever the fuck they wanted to say and didn't give a damn who had a problem with it. So that is why I will speak my truth and keep it 100! Fuck who ever has a problem with my marriage! Fuck who has a problem with me or my husband! And FUCK who ever is offended, now I'm going to bed, I have a funeral to attend in the morning.