The Timeline

It's 11:56 PM, and I am sitting here with my husband watching The Twilight Saga. And the fact that this love was so intense it makes me wonder, how soon is too soon? For anything? Let's break this down in sections. So let's say you've been dating someone for about 3 months. Things seem to be going great. You're in the blissful, new relationship stage. You enjoy spending time with this person and the kisses are GREAT! You're feeling him, he's feeling you, the chemistry is crazy. Is 3 months too soon to have sex? Now granted some people don't wait 3 months. I say 3 months for 2 reasons. One because my husband and I waited 3 months. It gave us time to get to know each other without the emotional pull of sex. Plus it gave us time to really...crave each other to that point. I also say 3 months because my girl Joan Clayton from Girlfriends had her 3 month rule. lol. So is 3 months too soon? Or is it too long to wait? I think 3 months is a good time period myself. You can date, hang out and just enjoy each other's time without the pressures of sex. But that has to be established in the beginning. Ladies and gents, you can't keep things going and then when he ready to hit the guts, you like "No, you gotta wait". Let it be an open discussion, one that makes the expectations clear. If he is REALLY into you, then he will wait. And he will not pressure you. So things are moving on, the sex is great. If it wasn't then you probably wouldn't be moving forward. You're dating more. Maybe even spending the nights once every blue moon. You're at the 6 month mark. You're feeling these feelings (not just when he's inside you) and he makes you happy. The feelings is so overwhelming, it's only one thing you can say... Is 6 months too soon to say "I love you". Now do you really know someone enough for 6 months to be able to say, you love them? Don't get me wrong, every relationship is different. Some people wait longer than that, some a lot sooner than that. Some people just know. It was something about my husband's spirit, I knew God brought him to me. I could see our future in his eyes. You had me at hello. Now we're moving right along and he has said it back. Now it's I love you bae this and love you bae that. Everything is still going good. You realize this is someone you can really build a future with. You've had arguments, but you're still hanging in there. Still happy and in love. You wanna take things to the next step. I mean when you think about it, you're practically over at his house all the time anyway or he's always at yours. You're celebrating that year mark. Maybe we should talk about moving in together. Now for some, a year long relationship isn't enough time to move in with someone. But there are some that do it before a year. Is it too soon? I mean you have to think about this. Yeah you've been getting along. Yeah, you know his favorite food. But when you co-habitat with someone, hunny you see ALL KINDS OF SHIT. You get the real deal. You learn more about him/her, AND yourself. This is when you learn, one of you is a neat freak and one definitely is not. When of you likes the toilet paper one way and the other the opposite. One of you puts the cap back on the toothpaste, and the other does not. And ladies for the life of you, you can't understand why he can't put the damn seat down! It's an important step in any relationship. Please don't take it lightly. There WILL be issues! Trust me, I know! My suggestion is talk about things up front. Put everything on the table, so there is no surprises. Talk about who will pay what, if someone looses their job what is expected, who's good at what around the house, etc. When you set expectations for things, it helps the transition smooth over. If you require "Me" time, then say so. When you live in a space with someone you have to consider them in how you live. Because it is their space too. So over the next 12 months, cohabitation has been a blessing AND a curse. You've thought about having your own space, needing "ME" time, just blending lives. Probably have had some money issues, maybe even some trust issues here and there. You've talked about your futures and you both seem to want the same things; marriage, kids, house, careers, etc. Now you're celebrating your 2 year anniversary. What started out as a simple date, has turned into a deep committed relationship that you have come to depend on. You are so in love, you can't imagine your life without this person. So he arranges something special and you're like, ok I know where we're headed. So you get in your mind how and where the night will end. So you dress to the 9s, and he takes you out to the Cheesecake Factory. The night is already starting off right, this is your FAVORITE restaurant! You're not surprised he remembers because he talk about it all the time and he never wants to go. You sit down and place your order. He pulls out a cute black box. Your heart drops...He tells you how much he loves you and you're so incredible. You open the box, expecting to see a diamond, instead you see 2! 2 Princess Cut, diamond earrings. You smile because you're appreciative but disappointed that it wasn't the ring. The rest of the night goes smoothly, as you try to hide your disappointment. When can anyone know when they are ready to get married. Is 2 years too soon to marry someone? Some get married WAY quicker and WAY longer. We waited 6 years to get married. (Partly because of the whole same-sex marriage thing) I know couple who have waited 10 years. We enter into relationship hoping that marriage is where you'll end up. You love him, you've been through some rough shit, your relationship could be a testimony to your single friends, but what is he waiting for? You've been together for 2 years, or how many other years it may be. You know you're ready. Is he not ready? Don't tell me, after all this, he has commitment issues!?!? I feel that no matter how many years it is, you can be ready for marriage when you both are on the same page about goals and dreams. When you both inspire and lift each other up. Not you do your thing and then me. Or vice versa. Let's do this shit together! You go after your shit, and I will do the same and let's bring in these RACKS! Marriage is more than flowers, officiant and cake. It's becoming one with this person. Committing to go through the trenches with him, to hell and back. It is love and war, but always putting them first. It's not just about living life on a sunny day, but riding the storm through the rough ones as well...So the anniversary flies by. And it's a few months later. The topic of marriage never comes up again. And you're starting to wonder if ya'll will need to have "the talk". It's on your mind so much he can tell something is wrong. But like always, you say nothing, I'm fine. One day you think about talking to him about it but before you do, you finish getting dressed because you're going out to a concert tonight. Your favorite singer is in town and he surprised you with tickets. You're probably thinking, damn he can do that, but you can't buy a bitch a ring. Damn didn't Beyoncé say put a ring on it!?!? Damn, where my ring at? You're at the concert, having a ball. That special song comes on. You know the one, the one that reminds you of him. You starting singing, and you cry a bit because your feelings are being sung to you. This song reminds you of why you fell in love in the first place. And you make a conscience decision to not rush the marriage issue for a bit. Next thing you know you get a glimpse of him, to see if he sees you crying like a baby. And he's down on one knee. The gesture catches you off guard, and now it's like no one else is in the room but you two. You kneel down to hear what he has to say. "I didn't want to do it on the anniversary, that is so cliché, what better way to ask you to be my wife/husband than to your favorite song being played live, I love you" And of course, you say yes. People think stories like that never happen but they do. There are good men out there in the world ladies and gents. It's just finding YOUR soulmate. Whatever your timeline is, will be your testimony. It's those moments you look back on when you're 6 years in and looking at him lying in the bed, waiting on you to watch a movie and you say to yourself. It was all worth it, damn I'm the luckiest guy/girl in the world. Don't let the world pressure your relationship. Don't feel like you have to follow any guidelines or timelines. Make your own and cherish each moment, so 10 years down the line, you can tell it to your kids and that's keeping it 100!!

STRAIGHT/GAY/CONFUSED

It is 4:42AM, I'm tired but I'm wired. It is a restless night here in the Clark household. So with my unfortunate case of insomnia, I decided to give you something to read. It is crazy how people have expectations that if you're gay, you know when someone else is gay. I hate to break it to you ladies, but that is a MYTH! Sorry my fellow gay ladies and gents, I have to keep it real. The "gaydar" is a myth. It is simply used for mere entertainment. And I will explain why. Every gay person, has been attracted to a straight person. Don't lie and say you haven't. Then there is the ever unfortunate falling for the straight guy. Now this is where disaster strikes. Check this out, because I've been here myself. Sometimes a gay guy or girl, meets someone of the same sex. Work, school, where ever. They click with this person, this person is nice to them and it makes us wonder....could he/she be into me? This was a nightmare for me at one time. Shortly after my breakup with the Confused Cheater, I met a guy. I thought he was SO fine. Tall, brown skin, nice personality. Truth be told, my crush on him made me forget about my broken heart. Well, we became friends and I just knew he was going to be my man. If I tried hard enough and showed him enough that I cared, he would be mine. I was young dumb and batting zero. No matter how many gifts I gave, nice and encouraging words I gave, hanging out I did, he was still straight. Unfortunately, when I realized how good of a friend I had, I lost my friend because of my not so subtle pursuing. He never made me feel any kind of way about being gay, he was just my friend. It's very unfortunate. So no, my gaydar wasn't BROKEN, that shit never worked. Had it worked, I would still have my friend right now. Gay men go after straight men all the time, hoping if I could just turn him gay, life would be perfect. And then you have those gay men that just believe they can turn any man out, but that's a different conversation. Although you can't help who you're attracted to, you can help how you choose to act on those feelings. Confusion is a word thrown around a lot in this lifestyle. I'm a slice this thing up 3 ways for you. First there is the straight man who says he's not gay. Yes, yes, I'm referring to the DL man. Men on the down low have women at home by day, and fuck men at night, or vice versa, depending on his wife/girlfriend's schedule. Now if you ask him, yes he's cheating, but he's not gay. Because he's having sex with a woman, or a tranny. But because transgender identifies as a woman, what can you say. You can't do anything but let them have that. Gay cheater or plain cheater, he's still a damn cheater! BUT, there are those who get head from men, or just a quick fuck. And no they're not gay because they're not attracted to men. I'm sorry hunny, you're confused, you say you're straight but you like to have sex with men???? We call them trade. You got a girl, but you want me to do what??? Yeah ok, an old tired piece of trade, at that!  Then there's the flip-flopper. This guy is gay or I guess Bi. One week he's straight, then the girl he's dating pisses him off, he dumps her, says he's through with woman and he's completely gay now. Then guy pisses him off, and same cycle. If you don't make up your damn mind!!! The Bi thing ain't working, PICK ONE! I used to think Bi-Sexuality was selfish. But no,there is nothing wrong with being Bi-Sexual, you like what you like. The problem is the flip-floppers! You're gay, then you're straight, gay, straight, gay, straight, shit you don't confuse your damn self!?!? Finally there is the marry-go-round man. These men are straight but like to test to see how far they will let themselves go with a guy. I had a friend that was straight, he would flirt with me, tell me I'm beautiful, he always wanted me to rub his 6-pack, always grabbing my booty. Get mad when the confused cheater and I were on good terms, and tell me he's a better man. But then when things went wrong, he's straight. Tell me he wouldn't mind dating me, but he's straight. Want to have sex but he's straight. I'm so dizzy from this damn ride, I'm ready to get the fuck off!! BOY BYE! Confusion is a bitch, I say, take your confused ass on and do some soul searching. Find out what you really want before bringing somebody into your drama. When it comes to straight men, the only "gaydar" I think applies is when they give themselves away. They saying goes, if a man protests loudly and is just doing the most about defending his sexuality, he's either, gay or thought about it. I actually believe this to be true. Because most straight guys are comfortable enough with their sexuality, they don't feel the need to explain themselves. They don't act all weird and extra macho around gay men, unless they're doing crazy queen stuff. Now, here's the question of the hour. Can a straight man, be straight if he likes to get his ass ate or played with? I know what ya'll are thinking, but my answer is YES! A man's sexual desires with a WOMAN, no matter what they are, don't make him gay. Some men are just freaky like that. Just because you fuck her in the butt, you're not gay. Just because she eats that ass, you're not gay. Just because she slips a finger in that ass, you're not gay. And hell my husband may suck on these titties but that don't make him straight or want women!!! Its just what some men like sexually. Ladies don't make him feel less of a man because he wants to expand in the bedroom. And guys don't feel embarrassed because you do want to expand, or she does. Life is too short to not try new things. If you're with your mate, sometimes you gotta switch it up. No matter what your sexual preference. Tops, let these bottoms trade places, see how it feels when you come knocking walls down. Ladies let these men be sexually free with you. Why not? Bottom line is, do you, experience stuff and be safe while doing it. Be consistent, be you, be free of judgement, be freaky, stop the denial, choose your happiness, because you're worth it. There is nothing worse than wanting something but being to afraid to ask for it and being secretly miserable. That's not what's up and that is not a life worth living, and that's keeping it 100!

Labels And Stereotypes

It's 2:22 AM, I'm pretty tired from a long day but this Blog can't wait. My loving husband is exhausted and sleeping peacefully while I'm here in the dark, with a bud light Lime and my thoughts. I'm thinking about some of the labels that are put on us and how we let those labels turn us into stereotypes. This goes for men and women. One label you don't want is this sideline piece. Or as Monica says...Sideline Ho. lol. But there is a difference. In my opinion, a side piece is someone who did not know there was a "main piece".  When it comes to being a "side piece" I unfortunately have dealt with this. I was casually dating a guy, nothing serious no strings. And I didn't know it, but he had a boyfriend. I had no idea because he was always available to me. I didn't find out until he was unattached. If you're  a side  piece you can't be faulted. Don't sit here trying to argue and fight some dude/chick over their man. Step away REAL quick! Be mad at him not the other person. BUT if you knew, then yes you're a sideline ho. These are the ones believing him when he says he's gonna leave his girlfriend/boyfriend/baby mama/wife/husband, etc. But everyone knows damn well he ain't going no where. He's selfish and wants you both. Don't be the trifling one to come between a relationship, no matter how bad he makes it out to be. He's not leaving. Trust me. And if in that rare occasion he does leave...well let's just say there is also a difference between, "main piece" and "one and only". Like K. Michelle said, give it up, you'll never get a ring... The next one that trips me out is the baby mama/baby daddy drama. In my opinion I don't think it's a good look for ladies to be labeled baby mama. And some women are okay with that. But by you being okay with it, leaves you open to the typical stereotypes. Now this isn't for ALL women, just a certain few and I bet you know at least one. When you think of the typical baby mama, she always fighting with baby daddy 1, 2 or 3. Selling her food stamps knowing good and damn well them kids gotta eat, or better yet, spending it all up on a damn crab tray. There is nothing wrong with public assistance, but in my opinion (note, my OPINION) It should be temporary. These lazy women depending on the system to take care of their kids are sucking up all the resources, when their are women who work hard every day to make sure their kids have. The baby mama, stays in that mind frame and falls for these same dudes over and over and end up being nothing more than that....a baby mama. You can be a single mother, but be smart. If he is no good, PUT HIS ASS ON CHILD SUPPORT! If he wasn't there during your pregnancy, DO NOT GIVE YOUR BABY HIS LAST NAME AND ESPECIALLY NOT A JR! I used to know a girl who thought she fell in love 3 times, 3 different men, never married. And each played her the same way. And still just a baby mama. No ma'am ladies, ain't nothing secure until you've said I Do. The proposal ain't even secure, a ring is just that, A RING. Them papers is the real deal. When you say I do, THEN there is no need for child support, THEN it's okay to be knocked up whenever. It's time to be smarter ladies. There are MOTHERS out there everyday, grinding, going to school, making a good life for their kids, without help and some without support of fathers. Fantasia made "Baby Mama" sound good, it's not. Same for baby daddies, stop raw dogging these chicks! Knowing good and damn well you smashed but when she turns up pregnant you wanna act the fool! Be men. Take care of your responsibilities. You don't have to be with the girl to be a father but damn be a man bring SOMETHING to the table! The stereotypes of gay men I feel is an interesting topic. Gay men have so many labels, some funny, some disgusting, some that make you go 0_O. People look at gay men as colorful queens who twirl all day and who think they can turn any straight man gay. Now granted there are some out there that fall into that category but not all. Every gay man isn't loud. Every gay men isn't dramatic and diva. Every gay men doesn't take it up the ass. Every gay men doesn't know gay phrases and punchlines. I have a friend who talks to me about everything gay and is amazed when I'm like...um...what???? Gay is a label, we are men. We live our lives every day with our own set of struggles. We pay rent every month, have relationship problems, want families, like anyone else. Not every gay man puts on a dress or a wig, not every gay men desires to sleep with every man. Straight men (some, not all) think these things. They think we sit around all day thinking about dick and how loud and outlandish we can be. There are men at my job who act funny towards me because either they think I want them or they think I'm about to prance around the building. First off, I'm married, I have no desire to sleep with you, my husband is all the man I need and second, despite what you think, I can separate professional and personal behaviors. Some people think all gay men have HIV or Aids. No, that's just fucking ignorant. We can protect ourselves as well. Some people think just because I'm married to a man it shouldn't be respected like any other union, no sir buddy! It is a marriage like any other. I respect your union, respect mine. The list could go on and on, but I think I'll save that for another post ;). Then there is the person who judges all these labels and stereotypes and in a way they are enforcing them. I knew someone who looked down on "side pieces/hoes", tisk tisk my dear, don't forget your past. Just because you're no longer in that situation don't judge. Being condescending gets you no where. You are no better than anyone. The one thing I am not doing is judging. I respect every one's decision to do what ever they want for their life. I simply want to encourage people that if you're tired of being labeled as something, change it. Only you can. If you don't want to be some body's "baby mama", then don't. If you don't wanna be some body's sideline hoe, then stop! It all comes back to loving yourself and knowing your worth. People try to label me: gay, black, fat, ugly, bitch, Boigie, stuck up, nerd, teacher's pet, etc. But these people don't know my story or where I come from or what I've been through. I am not those things, I am Chris. That's it. I have titles. I am a husband, a brother, a son, a uncle, a friend and soon to be college graduate and one day father. That's what I answer to, don't answer to your label, answer to you. When you know yourself, who you are and what you are, all the labels fall to the waste side, and that's keeping it 100!