Prologue

            Curiosity. It’s something that can propel people to indulge in crazy things. When I was peaking at the age of 11, I had the conversation that began my curiosity. My mother did the only thing she could do to reassure her mind, so she asked me if I were gay. Naturally, like any young male living a sheltered as I did there was only one acceptable response.

            “No ma’am”, I replied.

            She persisted with the conversation. Which I call an extreme attempt to keep me off the bunny trail, she explained to me the natures of anal sex. Unfortunately, her methods were fruitless, for it was then my imagination began to soar to new heights. Consequently, I started to look at men in different ways; I wondered what would make a man want to take something up the rear. I was fixated like a journalist to a breaking story. At night, alone in my room, I’d fantasize about the men I observed. My thoughts aroused me; subsequently, it was then I took pleasure in my first orgasm. It was a sensation I’d never felt before, it was intense and yet addictive. I felt as if I had unlocked the secret to my own. Soon I realized that the more I did it, the more found my curiosity had not been met.

            I found a friend; he was my best friend at the time. He shared the same lust as I did for men. We’d talk day in and out about our fantasies until our conversations turned toward each other. He showed me his penis for the first time in the bathroom at school. The act itself frightened me to death, but I was excited at the same time. That also was not enough to satisfy my curiosity.

            So on the first day of 8^th grade, after school, in a not so crowded public library I faced my curiosity with my friend. I felt myself shaking with fear and excitement as he bent me over. I had no idea what to expect, so I kept an open mind. The penetration was almost unbearable; between the thrusting of his pelvis and his moans, my mind began to race with wonders to avoid the pain. What am I doing? Am I gay? Would my parents disown me? And with his words, “I’m about to cum”; I jumped back into reality and ran into the nearest stale. My heart was bounding in my head; I vowed never to do this again. At that very moment my friendship was over and so was my innocence.

Run Its Course...

I appreciate the ones who are present in my life. They say a true friend isn't just there when things are going great, they're also there when things aren't so great. Because it's in those bad times that you really find out who your true friends really are. I usually get all upset over people and stress because some friendships aren't like they used to be. But now I’m just thankful for the great times of the past and realize some things just run its course. I’ve recently been absent from my work for almost 2 months due to personal issues and not a one of my so-called “work” friends have even checked on me. I take that back, a couple of people who I wouldn’t have thought have spoken out to me, but that’s it. I’m referring to people who say they care and love me and call me friend. Not a one. Not a text, email, Facebook message, nor a phone call. My feelings were hurt at first, but I just realize…for what? It lets me know where I stand with people and where they will stand with me from now on. I pride myself as being a good friend, or at least I try. I don’t always answer the phone for everyone. I sometimes just do not feel like talking. But I still say, I’m a good friend. Especially to those who I consider a “close friend”. I’m not here to bash, or call anyone out. Truthfully, it is what it is. I have a problem with holding on to people based off what we were in the past. But my biggest error in that is, they change, I change and the friendship changes. And unfortunately, I still hold on to the memories of 3-5-7-10 years ago. Sometimes friends move away and grow apart, even if they return, it’s different. Sometimes you’re crazy about the person you first met and realize that somewhere along the lines when you both changed, you don’t care for the person they are today, the ever unfortunate, holding on to something that has been dead for a long time. And then there is the person who for whatever reason, wasn’t a very good friend, but doesn’t know how, or may not have the capacity of say, I was wrong. Like I said, it’s not about bashing or calling out, it’s about not chasing after something that is no longer there and accepting change of dynamics in a friendship.  I am thankful for God and my husband for keeping me grounded. And I am thankful for Carolyn and Jocelyn for being the friends that I needed them to be lately. Sometimes people stray and comeback, different dynamic and all. Sometimes it takes a minute to create a new foundation and proceed. I think I’ve evolved pass the stage of dropping people and deleting people. After all, I am 27, not 17. I just choose to keep my distance and live my life. One person, or a few people, don’t stop my show, I just let it, run its course.

Welcome

It's the middle of the night and I should be safe and sound asleep next to my husband. Before he drifted off into a sound beautiful sleep, he asked me what was wrong. I rushed to hug him and hoped in bed to hold him as he slipped into a place where dreams become reality. I lie there, wondering what was wrong, so I came to my computer and began to type. My mind is filled with so many topics and ideas. Most of them conflict driven and controversial, but I've never been afraid to take it over the edge. I finally thought it time to start a blog. I real one, with no expectations, no end result, just me, my keyboard and my thoughts. I can't seem to commit to a Journal, so hopefully this will prove fruitful. So whoever is reading this, I can't promise I'll post every day, but I will try for every week. It won't always be interesting, but what the hell is nowadays. I will be raw and uncut (sounds like a porn lol) And as you can see I will often be corny and inappropriate. But I will talk about whatever topic I feel the need to write about.

So to whoever, ride this journey with me and I will do my best to keep it 100!