Emotionally Unavailable Men (He's Just Not That Into You Pt.2)

Yesterday I was sitting in our spare room/sitting room and I looked up at my husband in the living room. He did not notice I was looking at him, but I was. I was admiring the man sitting 20 feet away from me. I wondered how did I get so lucky. He chose me and I chose him. It got me thinking back before him and the turbulent relationships before him. I am sure people look at me and see my present. Although that is not a bad thing, they assume I was always crazy in love on cloud 9. When I speak about relationships and how these men treat my friends and family I speak from experience. I cannot judge anyone because I have been in bad situations. I have done stupid things for men, taken more than I should have, believed things I shouldn't have and loved others more than I loved myself. When I spoke about the signs you should look out for when he's not into you, those are signs that I missed myself. I thank everyone for seeing my current stage of life and seeing the love of my husband and the love for him on my face. But you can't understand where I am if you don't know where I have been. So I want to give you some insight as to why I advice certain things. And maybe you'll get a better understanding of me. Anyone who knows me, knows I have had bad choices in men. Or as I call them, EUMs...what is a EUM you might ask? A emotionally unavailable man is someone who is single physically but is mentally and emotionally still dealing with baggage. It could be an ex, or just life in general. Either way, they're are not ready for a relationship with you...... I have had a bit of everything, including the Confused Cheater, I met him over a decade ago when I wanted him to be a good friend. He turned on our friendship and did some fucked up things. Despite our rough beginnings, turns out we had an attraction to each other, an attraction that no one outside of us could understand. And that was fine. All I knew is I wanted him, and he wanted me and there started my first relationship with a guy. The confused cheater was just as his title. He didn't understand his attraction to guys, but he knew he loved me (or so he said) In fact he loved me so much, he cheated every chance he got, got head from my then best friend, fucked a girl he worked with, fingered girls at school, fucked random white girls, and the list could go on and on. Despite these things I wanted to make things work with him, until he wanted to make things work with another best friend of mine. Little did I know, she did too. So, needless to say, I was left with no man, and no best friend. She laughed and felt so proud over her prize, her very SMALL prize, guess I got the last laugh....It hurt for awhile, but time really does heal all wounds. I had to stop crying over someone who I obviously wasn't worth it to. That's the things ladies and gentlemen, why cry/stress over someone who doesn't think you are special enough to be one and only. If he cheats once, he will most likely cheat again. I was 16 when all that happened, young I know, but you don't have to be in your 20s to experience heartbreak for the first time. Over the next 3 years, I had my share of single men blues(chile that is a Blog for another time), and flings, until I met the Old Playa. Now the Old Playa did not want a relationship and made that fact clear. We had a clear understanding of friends with benefits. But Mr. Playa decided to change the rules bringing in date nights, kissing and intimacy into our flings. For anyone not familiar with this process, this means, it is no longer a fling. It is no longer a fling when everyone thinks you are together and Old Playa doesn't correct them. It is no longer a fling when you go from Chris to boo or baby. But when you solidify it as more than a fling, THEN it returns to a fling. THEN you notice all the other young tenderonies getting their salads tossed, freaked out and made to feel special. After awhile when the "others" numbers increased so much, the benefits drop and you're just friends, now you're all up in your feelings over this Old Playa and now you're the confused one. You are supposed to be older than me, established and showing me things. Not staying with a 19 year old and his mama! Catch that shade! But there is only one way to play a playa, no matter how old....sleep with his friend. lol Well that is not the way to do it, even though I did. I decided I didn't want to waste another year being "friends" with no benefit or relationship. So when the Old Playa said he was leaving...I said bye. A lot of women and men prefer dating older men. But you have to keep in mind, they have experienced things beyond what we know. When I was born, he was 11! When I learned to walk he was in high school! So to each their own, but look out for a man who doesn't take things as serious as you do when he should. Beware of the mind games that comes with a man who thinks they know more than you because they are older than you. So the friend that I got involved with, I thought he was a White Knight. He was sweet, kind, made me feel...like I was on fire. But when the flame burns so hot so quickly, the White Knight burns away and all that is left is the Opportunist under the armor. The Opportunist thought he was fine chile, the finest thing that walked the earth! He thought it was a pleasure for me to be with him. He thought I needed him to be important or wanted. He wanted me to feel isolated so all I needed and wanted was him. But...when you have nothing, what can I get from you? No car....no place to stay...no job....no education....Oh wait, but he was, oh sorry, IS a dope boy....But he attached himself to someone who was going places in life. I fell so hard so fast my head was spinning, this man disrespected me in ways I shutter to think about now. He was so full of himself, he told me I didn't deserve his dick, I wasn't good enough for him. It took quite a few attempts but I had to put the Opportunist out on his ass. And even then I still wanted him. That relationship was so damaging that I had to lose everything to come back from the opportunist, soon enough I was just like him, no car, no apartment, no job...but what set me a part is my work ethic and drive. With God's help, I pulled myself back up. Some may ask, if he did all that, how could I have loved him so deeply. Because I didn't love myself. I didn't love myself enough to know that I was worth more. That he didn't deserve me. For awhile I wondered what I could have done to make things different, until I realized the answer is nothing. Nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome, it just wasn't meant to be. And now he's gone on and attached himself to a new opportunity. If someone tries to take you from your friends, control every aspect of your life, isolate you from everyone, not to mention mental or physical abuse, if shit is just too damn destructive, you have to love yourself enough to let it go. As you can see I have had my share of bad men. I have dealt with things I should not have. I did not know what it meant to truly be in love and be happy. I didn't know what a good man felt like. Those experiences changed something me. I had been so selfless for years that I wouldn't be selfless anymore. I became selfish. Not to be nasty but because I felt I deserved it. I deserved for a man to claim me, I deserved for a man to be true to me, I deserved to be one and only, I deserved for a man to treat me as his equal. I deserved a man who thought I was worth it. I didn't know how to treat the right man when he came along. That's when I met the Halo, now when I say Halo, I don't mean angelic. I mean a normal, stand up guy, with light and dark qualities who has horns that hold up his halo. The Halo was different, yet familiar. I felt like the Halo was what my soul had searched for. It happened so quick, I wanted to be vulnerable with him, and let him in. But I had already had 4 strikes on my heart and couldn't bare to add another. I soon realized that the light and dark of the Halo depended solely on me. He had the ability to hurt me worse than anyone before him or love me harder than anyone ever could, he could bring out the worse parts of myself and also the absolute best. For a long time I was afraid of the Halo, because of his power and influence and the true potential of what I could have. I was afraid to let myself have everything I ever wanted. Sometimes you are so used to dealing with bullshit you don't know how to act when God gives you quality. Every relationship takes balance and after 6 years I realize that's what it takes. Love and War. And boy did we have our fair share of both. Nothing is perfect. Never settle. Men only do what you let them. If you let them get away with cheating, then he will. If you let him make you feel worthless, he will. If you let him hit you, he will. Each of us have an abundant amount of strength we never know about until we need it. When I look back at EVERYTHING I have been through I realize I didn't know my own strength, I did not know I was strong enough to handle certain situations and to overcome. And you will, you have to love yourself. I can't stress it enough. The Halo used to tell me all the time that he loved me, and I didn't believe him. It wasn't until I loved myself that I truly saw what love is and I am able to open my heart to him and receive his love. So when you see that glow on my face, it is because I love myself, and I love him and he truly loves me. Ladies if a man will disrespect you, he will disrespect your children, especially if they are not his own. Guys if he will sleep with your best friend, he will continue to cheat with anyone/anything. It all boils down to respect. Respect yourself. Love yourself. And that is where a good relationship begins. There is no perfect relationship. Show me a perfect relationship and I will show you a lie. The right man is out there, stop wasting time with the wrong ones, and that's keeping it 100!