The Rain

It's 1030AM, and it's pouring down raining here in Jacksonville. I'm
laying in bed next to my husband with the window up listening to
pounding water droplets hitting every nearby surface. I close my eyes
for a second to take it all in. Despite everything going on outside these walls, 
work, a hectic day, doctors appointments, the pending homework, I feel tranquility.

Here in this moment I'm able to truly reflect and be my most purest self. Breath
hot lol, hair sticking up, my once gelled edges are frizzy, black
smears from yesterday's eye liner, Drunk on you by Luke Bryan playing
in my head and I'm still me. I'm still diva! Lol Just a basic diva
right now lmao. My week was ok. My husband and I celebrated our first
wedding anniversary on the 12th, school is picking up and ADT is still
ADT. The highlight of my week thus far is this moment. I'm able to
slow down and be still.

The rain is coming down hard and steady, I just wanna go run through
it lol. Why is all of this relevant???? Because there was a time when
I wasn't so happy with my life. Wounds that hadn't healed completely,
broken relationships, communication issues, not praying like I should,
slacking in certain areas.... I'm reflecting. Last year was fun, it was
life changing, and lesson learning. This year, I'm learning to let
things go. Accept things as they are, and accept things I can't
change. Forgiveness. I just wanna be a better me. In 2016, I want to
be closer to God. I'm starting to pray more. I'm learning to let go.
Friendships that aren't contributing to my life in a positive way, I'm
letting go. Situations that happened in the past, hell the past
period, I'm letting go. My future is too bright to look back at the
shadows.

When I say "keep it 100", it does means that everything I say is gold
or that I know all. I slip too. Sometimes I don't keep it all the way
100. Sometimes I have to follow my own advice and sometimes I don't.
But I can admit to my faults( sometimes later rather than sooner lol)
I'm a work in progress. I can be hard headed and take the rough road
but I'm man enough to admit it. Keeping it 100 isn't just about being
honest with people. It's also about being honest with yourself. It's
about knowing you can't always be honest with people. It sounds crazy
but it's the truth. People say they want the truth but then get mad
when they hear it!

I often look at myself through other's eyes. And people would be
surprised to see the difference! I'm viewed differently by my family,
friends and my husband. Sometimes I sit and think, well which version
am I? I'm still discovering myself. I have a strong sense of who I am
and where I wanna be, but sometimes I question myself. People see a
slew of confidence, and sometimes I see the mountain of insecurities
and issues I have with my physical appearance. People see intelligence
but sometimes I see the opposite. I wish I was as Flawless as I say.
Truth is, I'm just like everyone else. I have issues, dark thoughts,
hopes and dreams.

Drip drip drip...it's still raining and I'm wondering to myself if
there's a point to this Blog....I feel like the things I couldn't let
go is being washed away. It's harder than you think, I've held onto
pain for so long, I sometimes don't know how to be happy. I'm about to
be 28 in a few weeks. This year excites me. I feel more determined
than ever. I don't have time for negativity and bullshit. I will be a
better me, a better husband, a better friend, a better writer...The
past can't hurt me anymore. People around you or not around, who
threatens your today with yesterday's bullshit isn't worth having in
your life. Pray about it and let it go. Fuck what people think they
know about you, pray for them and let it go. Stop concerning yourself
with shit that has nothing to do with your goals.This year is about
positivity and growth. I'm still listening to the rain, but I'm no
longer still. It's time to start the hustle and bustle of this day.
This is more of a diary entry than a blog lol I don't remember much of
what I said, I was just speaking my mind. Thanks for reading....and
keeping it 100 with the real mr Clark! Lol time to go from basic diva
to top notch ;)